Really Long But nice to get out!

SICK, SICK SICK::

I have been sick since Thanks giving! Not ideal. I then pulled the Black Friday ALL nighter shopping celebration! 7pm Thursday - 7 am Friday and crashed for a couple hours just to go out again. All the while I have had a teething baby and a husband off work:: who was more then willing to help as I drugged up with Dayquil and Tylenol ! I am still sick, still taking care of a 4 molars coming in at once teething baby boy, with my husband safe at work. No. Not ideal. But manageable. I have determined today is the last day of my sickness. I will focus on sleep, pills, health and getting out any frustrations today and then tomorrow I will either BE better or Pretend to BE better. But this sickness has got to go! And I am moving on and getting things done!

ALLOWING MY MIND TO WONDER::

Being sick allows the mind to wonder of course focusing on stressful subjects and causing frustration.. I decided I am going to get it out! So here I go……..

MONEY::
 Who the heck wants to think about money. Savings: I really need to build back up our savings. What will happen in life. I need to be ready for anything so I need a good savings. Tims job? Is it really that great? Is it really something that he is going to want to still be doing in 10 years? Is this what he has a passion for? I know it makes the money but is that enough? I know they keep saying he will get a raise to start off next year. But should I keep my eyes out for careers that would be more appealing to him? Or should I just leave it alone. Will the economy just drop this job? Should I get us into a safer job that might not go as quick? I like change

CHANGE:

 Why do I like change so much? Why can’t I just keep the same routine with our lives and not want anything different? Will there be a point where I don’t want change? Do I want it because I need it or do I just get bored easy? How come I always think “Great! I love life!” and then the next thing you know I am finding something to change!~?

LIFE::

Why is it so great at times and so frustrating at other times? Am I really the only person out there that gets frustrated? I swear I read all these blogs and no one ever gets frustrated! Is it because they just don’t want to let anyone see the bad stuff or is it because they truly never have bad things happen. And I don’t mean bad like Horrible, I mean bad like their husband was a jerk last night and they are mad about it. Because he always wants to watch T.V. instead of taking out the trash.

HUSBAND::&:: WIFE

 My husband can frustrate me so bad sometimes. Then again he is the hardest worker I know. I love that I know he would do whatever to take care of us. He loves me so much and he is the best daddy ever to Jaer. Why don't I show my appretiation more? There are days that I seriously don’t care that he has been working all day. I just ask for help help help! Why can’t I just do my job at home and let him rest? Am I the only one like that? I think I am a pretty good mom and housewife. I keep things clean most of the time and I always am doing activities with Jaer. I have the house run quite smoothly. Why do I always feel as though I don’t do enough? Is it because I don’t or is it just that I don’t know anyone willing to admit they are the same or at least think the same as I do? I am no super hero but I think I do pretty great. I hope I show Tim and Jaer how much I love them. I hope they really do see.

KIDS::

Jaer: Does everyone really have these perfect kids that never drive them nuts?! I mean I love jaer more then anything and he the sweetest most well behaved baby I know. And I really do mean that. I always have people commenting on how great he is but:: Can I tell you a secret sometimes HE DRIVES ME CRAZY! Yes most of the time he is fun, funny, sweet, helpful and just adorable but there seriously are times that I think to myself “I Can not wait for bedtime!” OR “Anyone want to baby sit?” It isn’t as though he is a little terror or mean he just can have his moments. And I know as much as he is not a “baby” he is a “baby”. I just feel a little overwhelmed at times. Baby: I am terrified! I am so excited and just indescribably ready and ecstatic. For baby Tayo to arrive but….. I am terrified. Have you ever thought of adopting a baby? It isn’t as easy as it sounds. And please don’t take me wrong I am so grateful and I probably have no business venting but I need to get it out. I am so scared! To have another women completely control your child. I mean its her and God. I am only the receiver and only if that is what they choose. I can’t even make it legal until TWO days after Tay is born. I will literally have my baby for TWO WHOLE DAYS before he is legally ours. I know my pregnancy was HELL and I know that is was 9 months of sickness, throwing up, doctor visit after doctor visit, pill after pill. But this I didn’t expect. Not for it to be this hard. I have had plenty of people tell me it is so hard emotionally. But not like this I think they didn’t want to scare me. Trust is not something I give easy and I have to trust another women, a great, loving, mature, women. With keeping the decision to go through with bringing us our child. As amazing as she is and don’t get me wrong she truly is. Its so hard, but then at other times I have no doubt that everything will run smooth and everything will be okay and he will come to us as though he was in my belly. The other times are just so much harder to me then laying on the bed my husband made me next to the toilet all night because I can’t stop throwing up. Or being poked 29 times in a row because my veins keep collapsing because I am so dehydrated until she finally gets it and the doctor comes in and says change of plans. The emotional roller coaster is so tiring. And then for a moment I walk down the hall and I pass the ultrasound picture of baby brother Tay and I think “For him. I can do this, for him” and this calm feeling just passes over me and everything is okay.

CHURCH::

Church: It’s a big subject in our house. We were great with it. Then not so much. Now there isn’t anything Tim or I do that is bad but we’re on that pause stage where you get stuck thinking, Do I? or don’t I ?. And the sad thing is I love church. The actual going I love. The feeling you get when you go or when you read the scripture its great! I love learning the stories, I love teaching Jaerick about Christ and everything that he has done for us. I love the selflessness it teaches and the unconditional love learned and spread. But the people, okay, some of the people make it so hard. I know people always tell you “ It isn’t about the people, its about the gospel” and I get that, I do. I guess I am just not at the strength yet where I can see past the people. I’ll get there I believe but it might take a while. I just need to focus on becoming the type of person who helps others who feel the way I do:: feel welcome and loved and maybe that will get me through the doors myself. Homes: Have you ever driven past a home and thought “ I wonder what’s going on inside”? Tim and I always play this game when we go out together. We look at people and make up stories about there lives. I’ll look at a couple fighting in the car next to us and say “ oh he did it now. He left up the toilet seat and she fell in and she is SO mad” We always end up laughing so hard. Well the other day I thought what about behind the walls. We were putting up our Christmas tree, drinking hot chocolate, and listening to Christmas music (it was like a movie scene) our blinds were open and it was dark so the neighbors could see us if they wanted to. And I thought…:: I really wonder about all these homes around us. Who is fighting, who’s laughing, which house is the one where the mom is sneaking some milk and cookies once her kids are asleep. Does everyone really and chicken and rice dinners? Does everyone have nights where they really just sit around and watch T.V.? How normal are we? I don’t know. Maybe I’m a little bit nuts and maybe I’m a little bit normal. All I know is with all the frustrations and crazy that happens in my life, I am so grateful. I have everything and more. I have good times and bad. I have happiness and sad. ( I did not mean that to rhyme) But most of all I have my family. And as little as we are, we get to grow, we get to learn and we get to be added to. Jaer gets to have a little brother and We’ll get to say we have two crazy boys. We get to say that their dad is a little nuts too. I get to have a husband to ask help from. And I get to have days where I just want to vent about all the craziness that happens and all the thoughts that cross my mind. I get the happy because I get the sad. And I get the normal because I get the crazy. And if sad and crazy is all I have to deal with in order to be blessed by this life. Then I guess I’m okay with that.