The Adoption Ending

I am no writer. But I've been asked my story so many times that I figured this would be a good time to get it out. So no this is not the entire story and you don't have to read it at all. It more just therapeutic for me to get out. This is the ending to the perfect adoption that ended up not so perfect.

Maybe it's overdue, Maybe it's too late. But nevertheless here it is.

The Adoptions Ending.... As everyone should know by now. It didn't happen.

I know it's almost been a year now. 9 months really. So here it is. Well most of whatever “it” is, I suppose. Leading up to this you must know was perfect. It was ideal. I even said myself it was “meant to be”. There was never a hesitation. I didn't search her out. She actually searched for me. I felt like I was chosen and she was chosen to be apart of this blessing. This miracle God had sent. This is only the end of the story, but its the part I've held onto for quite sometime and I just want to let it out. …

I remember the hardest part was getting that feeling. Deep down in the pit of my stomach. At the time nothing was wrong and nothing was abnormal. Until that feeling hit. All of the sudden I wasn't so confident, trusting, excited. All of the sudden I was anxious, worried, suspicious. And then the phone call... Tim:“ Um is this ( Lets call her Jill) Jills phone?” Teenage sounding boy“ No, well it was she sold it to me so ya it was.” Tim”Oh okay. Any idea why?” Teen Boy” Um.. no well ya she went to salt lake to move in with her boyfriend I think she needed money to get there” Tim” Oh okay thanks. “ We had just seen her the night before and she seemed just fine. We had made sure she liked her new phone and that there wasn't anything else she needed/wanted. So the next step was to figure out what the heck this phone call was about. Did she really up and leave? So we called her grandfather. We told him the conversation and what the kid had said. He said there was no way that was going on and he would try and call “jill” and get back to us. He called back“ Um... Steph, I'm sorry, I'm not sure how to say this. She left. She went to Salt Lake. She wanted to give “him” ( the babies Bio Dad) one last shot.” Then my response. ( In a happy voice) “ Oh really? Okay good. I'm glad. That'll be great for her to get it out of her system. I hope he's treating her well. Tell her to give me a call if she needs anything. I'll re schedule the appointment. No Worries. I'll talk to you later!” Click. Are you kidding?! What the hell! I was sad, mad, scared, confused, hurt, worried. Every emotion that could be going through my head at that moment was. But then it was just waiting. Would she come back? Was this all really over? Was there really nothing left to do or say. There's this little baby that we're just going to walk away from and say Well I know your mom wants to give you more but its hard so Good Luck. ? What were we to do? I called our social worker basically because I had no idea what else to do and knew she was the only one who had come close to seeing or experiencing this. I just simply asked her “What the hell do I do now.” She said to try and stay in contact with her and maybe just be there. It was at this point when I decided either way I was IN, all IN. Whether or not she decided to raise this baby herself. Or if she chose to be apart of his life and let us raise him as our own. Either way I just wanted to know. And to be apart of it. You don't invest so much emotion and love into someone just to say oh really, you changed your mind. You don't want me apart of this child’s life. Okay have a great life and good luck. I mean really... I wasn't going anywhere. So I did all I could. I stayed in touch with her grandfather and I waited. Appointment after appointment I would call, ask, he would say a few more days and I would re- schedule yet again. Don't get me wrong. I cried my eyes out, I didn't sleep a minute. I bawled day and night. The only time I didn't was when I was with Jaerick because I didn't want to have him see me cry. He would make comments about his baby brother coming and I would have to leave to “get him a drink” It was hard but I wasn't going anywhere. I hadn't lost hope yet. All I wanted was for her to call. To give me the slightest bit of hope. Well that was probably where I went wrong.... You see one day after this all went on for a while I got a text. It was from “Jill” She was asking if I could come get her. It was the best text I had ever gotten. Even if it was just to tell me that she was keeping the baby and had changed her mind. I would at least have a reason. Something to help or at least I hoped. Well I headed to Salt Lake with a friend to help me make it a little less awkward. We stayed over night and picked Jill up that next morning. I saw her and she said she was so sorry, She needed to see him and she continued on telling me the story. All I could do was sit there and try to understand what it would be like if I were in her shoes. How scary the entire experience was and how I couldn't be mad because I wasn't sure that if faced with this same situation when I was 16 I would have chosen to give my baby to someone else to raise. Even if I knew they could give him so much more. I finally wasn't angry. I just wanted to get it. To understand. We had a 4 hour drive home and I was completely happy with that. We talked about life and the future and she asked me questions and I asked her. Then I looked at her and said I have to ask. “What do we do from here on out.? I'm here, I get it, I'm not going anywhere no matter what you decide. I'm here to stand by you, with you and wherever you need. But I need to know. Is the adoption off.?” “ She said “No, This is what I needed to realize that the adoption is the best thing for him. I'm still on board completely.” Well we got home and everything seemed great only a couple more appointments then the baby would be set to arrive. That's when it hit. That feeling I first described. The uneasy, the nervous, the lack of confidence, the pain, the frustration all bundled in so much anxiety. The feeling was back. It was the morning for our appointment. We were going in to see if she would be induced or we would let nature run its coarse. I couldn't get the feeling to surpass so I thought I'd just give her a call. I tried calling, I tried texting. Nothing. Then Id tell myself “Just stop worrying.” So I called her grandfather and asked “Hey I wasn't sure what time I should pick up Jill” “ He said “O so and so is giving her a ride she'll just meet you there” I thought to myself well that's odd okay. Then it hit again. And part of me knew there was just something not right. I guess there were times where I knew that it wasn't going to happen, times I knew that I was just fooling myself. But what mother is going to accept that its over before its thrown in their face? Not me. So I got ready as fast as I could and I headed to the appointment. I was trying to get there at least 20 min. early so I could be there before her. I dropped off Jaerick and kept going. That feeling inside just kept getting stronger and stronger. Then I turned the corner to the Doctors office. A van passed me and I thought. “No way.” I parked got out of the car took a deep breath and walked quickly inside. I asked the front desk women whom I had talked to and had friendly conversations with quite often in the past. “ Hey is Jill here yet or should I just wait?” “ She looked at me and said She has already came and gone. I'm sorry.” I first looked at her confused. “ She came and went,?” She just stared at me “ I said “Wait, when, what, what happened. Is she okay.” I remember just asking questions one after the other. She then said to me “ I'm sorry I can't answer any questions.” It felt like someone stabbed me. “That's it. Its over.” I kept thinking but I felt almost as though if I didn't say it aloud it wasn't true. I knew it was her who passed me in the van on my way in. I just couldn't believe I had missed her by seconds. Maybe I couldn't changed her mind, maybe I could have just talked to her. I called Tim immediately and said “She's gone. She came and went and she's gone.” He said “Okay I need to call you back.” I could hear the anger in his voice and I knew it was only because he felt so sad for us, for me. I hung up and just sat there. I wasn't crying, I wasn't doing anything. Just sitting. Then I dialed my dad and immediately broke down. I knew he couldn't understand me but he knew. He told me “We don't know anything for sure yet. Lets try and call and figure out what's going on. Just stay calm, don't let yourself get worked up.” So I stopped. I composed myself and drove home. I talked to Tim and we both agreed that we knew it was over. We both had the feeling and just needed it confirmed. So Tim picked up the phone turned it on speaker and called her grandfather. He answered and you could tell we were not the people he wanted to have to talk to. He just simply said “ I'm so sorry. She changed her mind. She wants to raise him herself and I have to support her.” Tim said “We understand we just wish she would have said something and not left us hanging, wondering and having to assume our nightmare had come true” He said “ I agree we talked about it and I told her it was completely wrong how she handled it and I'm just so sorry” Tim said “okay” and hung up. Tim immediately went to anger again. But I didn't. I was simply just sad. I really believe that people don't understand the connection you make with a baby when you go through the adoption process. It was a Wednesday when my dad called and said “ I wanted to just tell you he is born. He was born a few days ago and things are complicated. I wont go into those details because I feel those are their own personal dealing and not too relevant to my story. But it made the roller coaster of emotions begin. They would say we had a chance. Then they'd take that away. Say it again and I'd build up the hope then they would tear it down. Over and over for two months this happened. I know Tim was so angry and hurt. But I just held on. I didn't want to loose any relationship I could have with him. I had built so much trust and faith and friendship with “Jill” as well I couldn't just let this be the end. I asked if I could just see her and talk to her. Ask for closure and to just see him once. Just be able to in a sense say goodbye to him and let her know that I wasn't angry. Just to be able to tell her that I wanted to be there to help with whatever they needed. It was bold and chances were slim. But I wasn't going to give up. So off to the hospital I went. I got to the little phone at the door and asked that they see if “Jill” would allow me to visit. I waited and waited and waited for what seemed like forever. The doors opened and there was that false hope that so many times recently I had fallen for. The nurse came out. She asked what I would like to say. I told her and she said I wanted to know so I can try and relay the message to her. I'm so sorry but she doesn't want to see you. Stab. Once again my heart sank. I smiled trying to keep my composure. I said Thank you anyway. I turned to the elevators and lost it. I couldn't hold it back. I turned to her and told her. “Can you just make sure she knows I'm not mad? Just make sure she knows that I love that baby and her so much. For even letting me be apart of this journey.Just apart of the beginning. Just make sure she knows. Okay?” The nurse came over and put her hand on my shoulder and told me. “ You're an amazingly strong women. I am so sorry for your loss” The doors opened at that point I smiled what I could and walked in the minute the doors closed I couldn't cry. I couldn't feel anything. Not pain, not happiness. It was like for a moment I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I didn't have any. I was numb. The doors opened and I stood there. Not a thought in my mind. For that split moment I could breath. I then walked out of the Hospital. Called my dad informed him she didn't let me see her and I was heading home. I drove in silence. No tears, no expression. I was simply exhausted from emotions. I just kept thinking. The nurse. She had been the first person to recognize that I had lost a child. I know it doesn't make sense to everyone and I am SO grateful that, that little boy who is now here in this world made it here to live the life that he is supposed to live. And I am overwhelmed that I was apart of his beginning. But months went by and all I felt was sad. And like no one understood. People would ask me. “ Oh did you get that baby?” “ Oh weren't you supposed to adopt?” “ You didn't get him oh that's too bad” Like he was some shirt I had picked out that just wasn't the right fit. But no I was told by our case worker. You need to treat this experience like a miscarriage. You need to grieve this loss. And all I could think was why? Why complain? At least he's alive ( which is what SO many people would say to me) but that wasn't it. No one unless they have gone through it can understand the connection of a mother. Your baby may grow inside of you or your baby may be brought here through another women's body. That isn't what grows the bond between a mother and her child. There is a love that is created between Gods Creation and a mother. It isn't the ability to carry her child in her womb. It is the unconditional love that she accepts motherhood. That she becomes the babies mommy. That feeling, that connection that is what makes us mothers. And to have to accept that you've made that bond whether its to only last a short time I don't know. But I had to come to the realization that I needed to grieve. I needed to almost just accept what had happened and move on. I just didn't know how. How do I just forget about this baby? I mean Really just “move on”? How do you accept that at one moment your little boy was going to have a little brother and the next you have to just hope he forgets and you can erase that because he didn't necessarily loose his little brother he just never got one. And he wasn't meant to be in our family for some reason. It was just more then I could take in. More then I could accept or even process. I had to let go and move on from a baby who wasn't mine but was. I still don't completely understand why we went through this and I searched and searched through my head trying to come up with anything, a reason, a purpose and excuse for this. Why put people through making that connection just to tear it away. A few months before all of this happened both of my sisters lost their babies. One of my sisters had gone through it before and the other hadn't. I couldn't take my experience and compare. Their babies had returned to heavenly father yet mine wasn't mine at all. How could I be ungrateful. My sisters had to deal with death but He still had a life and he was still alive. I was never angry with her. Only sad, and I only wished it would have happened differently. Of course not knowing if that could actually make a difference. But I was SO unbelievably angry at God. Why the hell would he put me in this situation. People would say your only given what you could handle. Well I don't want to handle this. Well I didn't get any answers and all I could do was try and erase the thoughts. I couldn't grieve because my sisters were the ones who deserved to grieve. I couldn't let go because who does that to a baby. I couldn't move on. One day and yet I know its corny but I heard this song and it kind of hit. It said “ Its time to move on, even though I'm not ready. I've got to be strong and trust where I'm heading. And even though its not easy. I know the right kind of love doesn't want to miss the future by staying the past we will always hold on but never hold you back and even though its not easy the right kind of love is a love that lets go.” And this peace came over me. It was the first time my thoughts made sense. I wasn't leaving this baby behind. Honestly as hard as it was to admit. My connection was so broken he feels like a different child completely. I had to move on not by giving up. Just letting go and moving forward. I had to continue to be a mom to my perfect, sweet, precious little 2 year old. There would never be a point that I would be ready. It wasn't that I don't and didn't love that baby. It was that for some unexplainable reason I had a part in the beginning of his story. And I will always hold onto that. But I can't let that hold me back. I will be here if they ever need me and from a distance I will wish and hope and pray my entire life that he has everything he needs. And he lives life to the fullest. And that one day the purpose I had will be worth it. But for now I can move on with my life and be a mother to my beautiful little boy Jaerick. And that I can be everything for him. I will always hold a special place in my heart for “Jill” and her baby boy. They will always be apart of my daily thoughts and that doesn't need to be let go of. I hope that she takes something from this. And that maybe my entire purpose was for her. Maybe its just me still searching for reasons but its something I can hold onto and be okay with. They will forever be apart of me. I just hope that even though I was just a small beginning to his life, I may be a thought, a lesson, a memory, maybe even a good reminder to her forever. Even if its just a simple reminder to value him even more because I wanted to be his mom and she was chosen to be.